Day 25

7/2/13

Disclaimer: this is a reflection on my frustrations and struggles with this trip. It's all real and really needs prayer, but can't be read apart from the awesomeness, such as that experienced on day 16. Good reminder to me, too. :)

It's days like yesterday that make me feel frustrated with the downsides of this trip structure. Julio never arrived at the church-- I'm sure it was for good reason, I don't blame him, but the way everything's set up meant that I was waiting for his call all day until it was time to tutor, rather than, say, going to the orphanage to be with the kids. The day wasn't entirely lost-- I did some writing, reading, and some drawing for the mural-- but that's not exactly, you know, what I'm here for. I'm trying to figure out if this is a culturally-ground obsession with efficiency or a valid claim that I'm (unintentionally) not doing as I'm called to do. I guess that's what I get for 'doing my own lil thang'-- staying with friends and carving out my own path rather than living and working with a ministry that's always and intentionally active. But I did that before, and it has its downsides, too. I guess this is just what we get for being humans.

 I also feel like I am asking entirely the wrong questions sometimes. Like, I get frustrated with the mundane middleclassness of my current existence-- the hair dye, the dating drama, the shopping trips with a dad who's desperately trying to make up for leaving by buying the kids' love. It's not that the middle class isn't in need of ministry, of sibling love, but I don't know if that's my purpose, and if it is, if it's best done by taking up a middle-class, comfortable existence for myself. I make myself dizzy thinking this way, and actually, going to the beautiful, relatively poor church in Quevedo in two weeks has become a bit of an escape. I hate that. I don't want to escape. I want to live God's purpose for this moment. The question 'How can I be a blessing to this family?' is always in the back of my mind, and that seems like a good question, especially considering the divine hints that that is a real, practical purpose of what God has me here for, but I frankly don't know how. Both the language barrier and my social anxieties put boundaries on how much I can participate in the culturally-essential activity of whole-family-talk-time, and while I push against those boundaries and try to expand them, they'll always be there, to some degree. Don't get me wrong. The family has grace for me. But it's just not the same. Maybe it's not supposed to me. God has been showing me that the fact that I'm drawn to the pace and social comfort of one-on-one conversations can in fact be an asset. Another issue is cleaning. I'm careful to clean up after myself and be helpful, but I think having a guest clean actually makes them uncomfortable, as if they're letting me take a subservient/lower-class role, as if I'm not taking a role as a family member in the house (remember, it's common for a cleaning lady to come in a few times a week to do things like that). I think back to how awkward Peter felt about letting Jesus wash his feet, and how Jesus did it anyway. But he was also so firmly established as king that the act of humility was one of strength, rather than wavering. Maybe if I was a better family member, I'd be a better 'servant'. But I'm no good at being a family member. I never have been. 

I also suffer from the mental framework that says things are either a success or a failure. And even if I personally grow, I might still fail. I might fail people. It's not an irrational fear, it happens all the time. And the reality is, I don't trust God to make beauty from my failures. Not in real time, anyway. That's why I need, need, need times of prayer and reflection. To remember. I'm going to start giving that to myself in the mornings. The wonderful out-of-the-blue encouragements from friends in the states have also been such a blessing. Thanks guys. :)