This blog was started as a record of my second trip to Ecuador last summer. The only problem is, exactly 2/3rds of the way through the trip, after 40 days of faithful posting, I just... stopped. Stopped posting publicly, anyway. I faithfully kept a daily journal throughout my time there; it's in a backlog on my laptop. And I often kept my social circles updated on my where-and-how-abouts using social media sites. But that faithful blogging record just stopped, for a few reasons:
First, the entire driving force behind the return trip was to find a pair of twin boys whom I'd met at the rescue home where I'd worked on my first visit. Finding out that they were back living with their mother and visiting them within the first week was a huge victory that I was excited to tell my supporters about-- and after that, everything else was just extra. I got to see them and tell them I loved them, saw that they were basically safe and happy, and the love story had a happy ending in that sense.
Second, paradoxically, there are no happy endings, and I was saddened by some things about my boys' family life. Their mom was a little crazy and REALLY flaky, and she seemed to have trouble balancing her need to work for money and her kids' needs for her time-- and the effort of doing so left her an emotional wreck. There may have also been a 'sugar daddy' in the picture to 'help' with the money problem, and if so, she and her family are dangerously vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. I was increasingly disheartened by this-- and also personally frustrated. I hadn't thought out the possibility that they'd be back with their mom, let alone how I'd be perceived as an American missionary reaching out to them if they did. I was surprised by the expectation that my love for the family should come in the form of my nonexistent American wealth, poured into their lives with no strings attached. Trying to help the family become self-empowered while resisting this assigned role increasingly sucked the energy out of that part of the trip. By the time she bailed on both of our planned goodbye meetings on the second-to-last and last full days of my time there, I was just really sad and tired.
One of the reasons I didn't write about this is because it feels like slander. I'm still super thankful that she is taking care of them as much as she is; I'm just sad that I didn't get to say goodbye, and that I know so little about the consistency with which their practical and emotional needs are being met.
Third, as the mission to the boys waned, many wonderful things filled my time at the end of the trip-- from mountaintop adventures to church gatherings. These were great social times, but their details were probably more interesting to those who were there-- so it seemed natural to leave them to unpublicized enjoyment. Those really exciting moments made their way in snippets to social media statuses and the like, rather than blog-length dissertations about the entirety of the day.
Fourth, I'm a lazy bum. Really. These might be legitimate concerns, but they still don't legitimize my decision to totally bail. Yes, there's a huge emotional investment to writing things down, but a lot of people helped me get to Ecuador, and I really did owe it to them to keep the updates going. And follow up with a letter. And a video/slideshow of photos. All of this still needs to be done.
Now to figure out how, and when...
Note to myself and all missionaries: Don't wait. Don't be lazy. Follow through.
