An Apology for my Terrible Follow-Through

This blog was started as a record of my second trip to Ecuador last summer. The only problem is, exactly 2/3rds of the way through the trip, after 40 days of faithful posting, I just... stopped.  Stopped posting publicly, anyway. I faithfully kept a daily journal throughout my time there; it's in a backlog on my laptop. And I often kept my social circles updated on my where-and-how-abouts using social media sites. But that faithful blogging record just stopped, for a few reasons:

First, the entire driving force behind the return trip was to find a pair of twin boys whom I'd met at the rescue home where I'd worked on my first visit. Finding out that they were back living with their mother and visiting them within the first week was a huge victory that I was excited to tell my supporters about-- and after that, everything else was just extra. I got to see them and tell them I loved them, saw that they were basically safe and happy, and the love story had a happy ending in that sense.

Second, paradoxically, there are no happy endings, and I was saddened by some things about my boys' family life. Their mom was a little crazy and REALLY flaky, and she seemed to have trouble balancing her need to work for money and her kids' needs for her time-- and the effort of doing so left her an emotional wreck. There may have also been a 'sugar daddy' in the picture to 'help' with the money problem, and if so, she and her family are dangerously vulnerable to abuse and exploitation. I was increasingly disheartened by this-- and also personally frustrated. I hadn't thought out the possibility that they'd be back with their mom, let alone how I'd be perceived as an American missionary reaching out to them if they did. I was surprised by the expectation that my love for the family should come in the form of my nonexistent American wealth, poured into their lives with no strings attached. Trying to help the family become self-empowered while resisting this assigned role increasingly sucked the energy out of that part of the trip. By the time she bailed on both of our planned goodbye meetings on the second-to-last and last full days of my time there, I was just really sad and tired.

One of the reasons I didn't write about this is because it feels like slander. I'm still super thankful that she is taking care of them as much as she is; I'm just sad that I didn't get to say goodbye, and that I know so little about the consistency with which their practical and emotional needs are being met.

Third, as the mission to the boys waned, many wonderful things filled my time at the end of the trip-- from mountaintop adventures to church gatherings. These were great social times, but their details were probably more interesting to those who were there-- so it seemed natural to leave them to unpublicized enjoyment. Those really exciting moments made their way in snippets to social media statuses and the like, rather than blog-length dissertations about the entirety of the day.

Fourth, I'm a lazy bum. Really. These might be legitimate concerns, but they still don't legitimize my decision to totally bail. Yes, there's a huge emotional investment to writing things down, but a lot of people helped me get to Ecuador, and I really did owe it to them to keep the updates going. And follow up with a letter. And a video/slideshow of photos. All of this still needs to be done.

Now to figure out how, and when...

Note to myself and all missionaries: Don't wait. Don't be lazy. Follow through.

Days 32-40 (Catch-up!)

7/9/13

Day 32

Yesterday, it was back to the church to keep working on the mural. Six volunteer youth kids showed up, all very effective, helpful, and fun to work with. When-- oh, glorious moment-- we took off the masking tape that had separated the different colors, the look was epic. This all took a lot longer than I thought, so by the time we wrapped up and headed off to dinner (courtesy of the church via Julio), it was past five o'clock. Of course, this meant I'd entirely missed my English lesson, with Matteo, but he's on vacation now and doesn't really give a flip about anything. I remember those days.

Day 33

Today,  I was super stressed trying to finish the high stuff on the walls to send the andamios (scaffolding) back. I had the help of three brothers-- only the oldest of which was of much practical help, though the others were faithful runners when a change of color or new brush was needed-- but the work was slow, so around 5:00, we cleaned up and parted ways-- them to hop on the two-hour bus ride to their house, me to go to Matteo's, where I ate dinner, took a nap, recruited help tomorrow from some youth who were arriving for a worship team meeting, and then went home with the family. Tomorrow's going to have to be an early day in order to prepare enough to make the helpers useful, so I'm going to bed... now!

7/11/13

Day 35

Yesterday was another ten-hour work day. This time I actually planned ahead and bought a little food-- bread, cheese, and milk-- for myself and the volunteers. We worked to finish the one big wall  and finished some more of the people silhouettes on the other. Santi also decided that while we have the andamios and paint and volunteers, we might as well finish the wall we were going to leave blank, as well as the circular space inside of the skylight. It was super-fun, but a little scary, up there on the tip-top of the andamios, drawing the letters of 'Juventud Acabando Suenyos' (Youth Achieving Dreams, the name of the group), around the circular skylight. Photos to come, of course. We worked until seven and then went to bible study. Wednesday bible study's always at the same place, a nice couple with a little baby boy who likes to kiss Sophie (pastor's baby) on the mouth, much to both parent's dismay. They also make each other cry a lot and do a lot of cute things, so the study is very distracting, but not in an unpleasant way. Home, sleep, etc. All right, gotta go to church now. Peace.

~Ely

7/15/13

Days 35-38

Goodness, am I behind! Thursday was a 13-hour painting day; Santi was with me at the end of it, but had to leave to go to a bible study-- I said I'd stay and keep working if he'd bring me food after the study (painting days didn't really involve a lot of eating...). When he went to pick up his wife to join him, he found that she was sick, so he made her dinner, put her to bed, and came back to the church. I'd expected him to be gone a lot longer, so I hadn't really done that much, but we were both tired and he wanted to be with Gaby, so he talked me into leaving the rest to finish up tomorrow (I'd wanted to go to the orphanage the next day, but there was still so much to do!). We went to eat dinner at his house-- a variation on meat loaf-- and enjoyed philosophical conversation about the nature and place of apologetics, religion vs religiosity, etc. I like talking to Santi. I feel like he sees through my weirdness and sort of understands me. Which is always nice. Anyway, he took me home, where I went directly to bed in order to be at church early the next morning. Andrea dropped me off on her way to school, so I was working by 7:30. 

Day 36

Around 11, Julio and I ate sandwiches made out of bread, cheese, and chicken that I'd brought, and he called Andres to come help me out. I put him to work erasing pencil lines and doing some nit-picking, and when Santi arrived shortly after, they started painting the last wall, a much simpler design. He put on a movie for the kids who had arrived for kids' club so that we could keep working. When I finished down below, I began cleaning, a ridiculous process, especially in the transition between kids' club and youth 'bible study'-- and though we expected that the kids who showed up would be excited to help finishing up their youth room, the few kids that did showed up were either sick or tired, so I ended up scrambling to finish my part of the last wall entirely on my own. It was really frustrating and I wanted to cry, expecially because they were rushing me or telling me to finish up tomorrow, since we had to go deliver food to the poor in the city. At that point, the thought of putting on my stinky painting clothes and coming back to work one more day made me want to vomit, so I stayed focused and finished up around 10:30, making it a 15-hour work day. We then went to deliver food, which I enjoyed, but was really tired by the next day.

Day 37

On Saturday, Andrea, Angelica and I went to take Grandma to the dentist, which proved to be a half-day endeavour, but around 3pm, I took an acquaintence up on his offer to join me on a trip to the teleferico, in which lil people-filled boxes are strung on a wire and taken up a mountain. It reminded me distinctly of an attraction at the San Diego Zoo that I always used to enjoy with my grandmother, except that you got off at the top and enjoyed walking around the mountains for a bit, taking pictures of the spectacular view of the valley. It was awesome-- a little awkward, since the guy from Josue's church who had invited me was probably expecting a date and he got a party-- we were there with Andrea, Petato, the young uncle and his girlfriend, and the little sister and her boyfriend. It was really pleasant, but since I was hungry and there was a festival going on in Pomasqui, we headed over to that part of town to eat. By the time we finished, though, it was after 9, and both of 'my guy-dates' had to go back home. I was really, really wiped and almost had Petato drop me off at the house, but decided to go to the festival with the others in the end. I'm really glad I did, though-- it was beautiful. There were so many people in the town square, some of them in strange costumes, but most of them just people dancing and selling things. I tried a little of a traditional festival type drink made from fermented sugar cane juice and fruit, which was really delicious. If I wasn't such a homebody about drinking, I would've had more. There was also a fireworks show that beat Disneyland by a mile, especially because we were so close to it that we had to mob-shove our way back through the crowd to stay out of its way. Part of the festivities was also a giant spinning tower thing that had lil fireworks type things attached to the whirly parts, it was kind of fantastic. Unfortunately, my camera's been in the habit of turning itself on in my little purse and draining the battery, so I didn't get photos of any of this, but, like Petato told me on the Teleferico, I took pictures with my mind. Which doesn't stick as well, but not having the camera actually helped me stay in the moment and enjoy the day more. Hm. Though I didn't want to leave, I was so wiped by the time we got in the car that I slept on the way to drop people off, pick up Mom, and head home.

Day 38

Yesterday, we went on bus to meet the Matutes for church in the South. We got there a lot later than the pastor said and the service was still really long; the church is the emphatic charismatic type that, while I enjoyed, was probably a little much for the newcomers. I spent half the time trying to help the kids adjust to the Sunday school, as they were even more shy than one would expect. No one likes being the new kid, but Josue, at least, said he really enjoyed the group by the end of the day. Afterwards, the church gave us lunch, and Gloria shared that she'd actually had some bad experiences with churches of this denomination-- people 'helping' to feel better about themselves, and to be in a more advantageous position to judge her family; family members who sang God's praises all day long and then did nothing for her. I was glad that she'd told me, and I hope that she gives this church a chance to show her a better experience, and that they follow through on it. I also worked with the youth pastor to track down a young man  who can help the kids with their homework when school starts again in the Fall. I actually wanted to start earlier to get the kids caught up, but Mom said she wanted them to have a vacation, especially since Dad might be rolling into town to spend part of it with them. Anyway, we arranged the tutoring, then went back home on the bus, spontaneously stopping at a historical and ecological museum site where remains of an Indigenous village had been found. There is still a lot of investigating to do; they don't even know which group it was yet. It was really cool to see this piece of history, especially as it's in the midst of being uncovered. We went back to Grandma's house, where Andrea and I took a nap, and I talked quite a bit with her great-grandmother, who I find to be absolutely wonderful. The family (and the grandmother) get a little frustrated with the effects of her old age-- hearing loss, repetition of stories, etc, so it's kind of cool to be able to enjoy her company; I hope it helps give them a fresh look at this sweet, weird, hilarious old lady. It's also fueling a poem, which I'm excited about. Yesterday we also found out that Betsabe's family is going on vacation until Thursday, so I can't go to Los Rios until then. However, I'm planning to visit the other Betzy, Betzabeth Lopez, en Guayaquil instead. I'll be leaving tomorrow, and have to get packed and ready to go before then, including finding a place to get Malaria shots as I drop altitude for the next two weeks. I'm doing some laundry now, and if I can get ready in time, I hope to head to the orphanage in a few hours to have some more time with the little monsters before I leave town. This is a really exciting time. Prayers!

7/16/13

Day 39

Yesterday was really chill-- I planned on going to the orphanage, but I also had to get ready to leave today-- including doing laundry, packing, etc, and as I had no energy, this took so long that by the time I was done, it seemed kind of pointless to go, so I mulled about the house until Naty came by and picked me up to go to the grocery store with her and her brother.  From there, we went to the hospital and Grandma's briefly to drop off the uncle and the groceries before picking up Andrea from the bus stop on her way home from school and heading over to the house to meet Petato to help him study for an English exam. There was a lot of traffic, so he didn't get there til 8, but we worked through a few lessons and ate dinner between 8 and 11; the time flew by since the three of us generally have a great time together. We also Skyped Javi and worked out some of the details for our mountain climbing, as well as finalized the plan for today. I'm hopping on a bus and heading for Betzy Pineda's dorm in Guayaquil, Ecuador's other big city (pretty much the modern cultural capital) to spend a few days there, before going to Los Rios to be with Betsy Coello and her family. Adventuretime!

~Ely

7/17/13

Day 40

Yesterday involved a lot of waiting-- We took Angelica to the hospital to relieve Jose from grandma duty-- I love that in this culture, when someone's sick, they don't just visit them, they're really there with them. It's awesome. Then we dropped Andrea off and Naty took me to the bus station around 10, where we were informed that the chart that said a bus was coming at 10:45 was in error, and that the next ticket I could buy for Guayaquil was at 12:45. But the lobby was pretty comfortable, so I didn't mind doing some reading while I waited, then I mosied down the street, where I found a vegetarian restaurant to stop for lunch-- of interest to me, since I'm a stateside vegetarian hoping to continue cooking Ecuadorian food. I also picked up some oatmeal and chocolate chip cookies for the road. When the bus finally left, I found that it was almost empty, and I had plenty of room to get comfortable for the long ride. Thought I closed my curtain due to the sun, one time I peeked out and found that we were driving by gorgeous mountain-and-river scenes, so I kept it open the rest of the time and tried to take pictures, which failed to capture anything, really, but will maybe help me remember. By the time it got dark, I had most of my book read and half of a poem written. I finally arrived at the station around 10:30, and Betzabeth arrived shortly after. We hopped in a taxi to go to her very close-by apartment, where she lives with three female friends, where we all sat around watching a novella for some 20 mins before heading to her bedroom, where we caught up on life before going to sleep. This morning, we're going to go see the city, and hopefully get my yellow fever vaccine and malaria meds from the place I have information about here in Guayaquil. I'm really excited. Adventuretime!

~Ely

Days 29-31

7/7/13

Day 29

It's wonderful that I don't believe in jinxes, because I can say with confidence that things going as planned (or otherwise very well) is becoming a bit of a trend. Thank you, God! (However, I do believe in speaking too soon, so continued prayers are always appreciated.) On Friday, I went to the orphanage, where all of the leadership was away at a meeting and the kids were on vacation, so I felt they could use the extra hands. We spent the whole time on the playground, where I pushed swings, investigated screams, gave little improvised time-outs, and sat in the shade with kids in my lap. Best part-- a few f the kids and I started playing a game where they tried to climb up the yellow slide, and I kept pushing them back down. After the kids ate, I picked up some snacks for lunch on the way to the mall, where I found some summer reading type practice books for each kid. Then, I headed to the church to fix the paint colors like I wanted, marked the walls, and made an example for how the wall is supposed to look-- also a handy lil piece of art to take back to my house with me!

7/8/13

Day 29.5

Oh boy am I behind... anyway, on Friday, I prepped for the painting, then joined Santi upstairs for the end of the kid's club-- he was in the middle of painting faces, and I joined him. After that, Santi took the older kids and me to the Friday night bible study. We went to the house of a couple that had a big, ridiculously friendly dog, I think a pitt, which made Santi's wife nervous as she was holding her napping, incredibly dog-phobic two-year-old. Though the dog very politely sat by his owner, who held his collar, I could still feel Santi's wife's discomfort, and as I tried to signal the owners to take the dog out of the room, I had an epiphany: I have American concerns and an American way of loving people. And that's not necessarily a bad thing, just something good to know. Hm. Anyway, we went to feed people in the city and didn't get home til almost 1am. It was almost midnight before I realized that Andrea didn't know where I was (I had missed her calls during the Bible study), but basically, she had figured, so she wasn't having a heard attack or anything. Pretty successful day, if I do say so m'self. And I do.

Day 30

On Saturday, Gloria and the kids were busy, so we couldn't go to visit as planned. Instead, Andrea and I went to the Mercado Artesenal, and I did most of my gift shopping. I love that place. So many awesome handmade things. Petato was able to join us, which was great, though I feel he was a lil bored as Andrea and I did our girly shopping thing. Then, we all went back to  the church to paint. Painting was great, except that the small, well-trained group of volunteers kept expanding as people arrived late, which was both really helpful and hard to manage. People who didn't understand The System were jumping right in anyway, but Santi and the others helped me keep the whole project on track. The walls look great—ridiculously colorful and all. I told them they could all come back today-- Monday-- to help with the fine tuning and next steps, as they're all on vacation now. Then, Santi dropped all of us off at Andres's house for his surprise birthday party. Later in the evening, Andrea (who had left painting to take Petato to the bus) called and Santi told her to come to the party-- she said something like 'we'll see' and hung up. Apparently she tried to call later to get directions to the party, but neither Santi or I our phones on us. Which was unfortunate. Anyway, I got home about midnight, and as I still don't have keys (the father seems to have absconded with them), that makes the second night in the row of having to ring the doorbell in the middle of the night, which is sucky. But Andrea didn't seem mad or anything.

Day 31

Yesterday marked about halfway through my time here, which is weird. On the way to pick up the grandmas for church, we tried to figure out how I was gonna get to the South to visit the kids that afternoon, as Andrea and Petato both had some serious homework. Angelica thankfully volunteered to go with me, though! At church, I talked to Pastor Milton (Santi's dad), who said that they in fact did have a connection to a church in the south-- 'not Baptist, but one of healthy doctrine' (I didn't feel it was a good time to interject that I'm also not Baptist, but of healthy doctrine, though I was tempted)-- anyway, I was really happy because there's a possibility of getting them rooted in this church, but also because it might be an opportunity to find someone to help with the kids' homework. After stopping by the mall to pick up a book and some picture frames for the photos I printed, we hopped on a bus-- well, three buses-- to go South. We arrived at the big mall where we met before, but since Gloria and the kids were just leaving the house, we had some time to look for a place to eat that wasn't mall-priced. Several blocks away, we found a restaurant with a good deal on a whole chicken combo, and we waited. It took the family quite a while-- over an hour-- to arrive, so Angelica and I got to talking a little bit, which was nice. Finally, the fambam arrived, and we shared hugs and food. Afterwards, I gave them their gifts, and the mom was really, really happy with the photos. We then headed to the arcade in the mall. The place runs on reloadable cards that you swipe at the machines-- weird-- so I bought a card for each adult, and the kids ran around playing with us and each other for awhile. It was pretty fun. Before leaving, we stopped by a school supply place for crayons and pencils-- I'd forgotten to include this with the coloring book and workbooks. On the way home, Angelica and I talked about boys and our daddy issues; I was really honored that she opened up to me, as she probably thinks I'm a weirdo in a lot of ways. I think we humanized each other a bit in that moment, and I hope that I was able to help with some of what she's going through. An uncle met us at the bus station to take us back to Abuela's house, where the whole family was gathered. I witnessed the most incredible thing: the whole family-- from great grandma to 17-year-old Angelica-- gathered in the living room to figure out the monthly bills together. Now, this is two households, but one family, and they calculate the expenses, reprimand each other for the high energy bills, and then decide who is going to contribute what. It was kind of fantastic. I tried picturing my mom's face if I suggested something like this, but it was literally impossible. As we were leaving, the lovely great-grandmother said something about being frustrated with her age, and I adamently insisted that I wanted to be old, that I would trade her places, that she was beautiful, etc. Maybe she believed me. Maybe it was a good moment for her. Home. Sleep. Done.

Day 28

7/5/13

Yesterday, surprisingly, actually contained no surprises. I went to church in the morning to mix paints, mark the walls to know what to color where (I made an awesome 'paint purse' out of cardboard, masking tape, and communion cups to help), and then, on second thought, edited the paint colors. This last step actually took awhile, so I didn't get to Matteo's until 4:30. This worried me because it's our last day of studying for school (his vacation starts this afternoon), and I know he had tests to review for. However, when I got to the house, Fani told me that he'd come home exhausted and was taking a nap. After I ate, she woke him up, and we studied for his social studies exam. Then I found a Chesterton database online and began reading The Man Who Was Thursday; I'm thoroughly enjoying it so far. Funny that on July 4^th I listened to British music (Mumford and Florence, wewt!) and read Chesterton in Ecuador. My little expat moment! After dinner, Matteo and I played Angry Birds. First time ever for me, and we can't beat level five. Rage! I must beat it. Then never play again. Cause I know myself.

Today, I'm going to the book store in the mall to look for educational stuff to fuel the Matute kids' summer; then, I'll be headed to the orphanage DANGIT, the mall doesn't open til 10. I'll be going to the orphanage, THEN the bookstore. Which kind of makes more sense, but I'm antsy to figure out this stuff. I also need to make a bunch of phone calls for our trip tomorrow morning. During kids' club at church, I'll do some last minute prep work for our work day tomorrow afternoon, then go to the youth meeting to recruit helpers. If I get a team of 6-10, that would be ideal. I think I can. Anyway, it's time to go start today. There are a lot of variables, so I'm praying for God to smooth the way.  

Day 27

7/4/13

I'm happy to say that I finished the drawing and taping for the mural yesterday, then I picked up some cheap tupperware to mix paint in tomorrow on the way to Magaly's. Matteo and I read English stories to prepare for his reading test tomorrow. The family went to the hospital together, as they've all got some persistent and uncomfy cold symptoms. Of course, this took awhile, but while they were gone, I did a little reading and helped Fany go on an email-deleting mission. She apparently hasn't checked her email regularly for the past three years-- Her inbox started with 1950-something unread messages, and, starting from the oldest, we deleted half of those. It reminded me of helping my own Oma work her computer (though if there's one thing my Oma knows backwards and forwards, it's her email. And she'd never have more than two unread messages =7). Fany and I ate dinner, then Magaly got home with the fam, and we saw the news on the kitchen TV-- the whole continent of South America is collectively pissed off (which could be a positive, considering it's the first time in history they've been 'collectively' anything) about the disrespect they've been dealt lately. Basically, what happened is this: Ex-CIA guy leaks secrets about creepy US gov. surveillance that pissed just about everyone off and thoroughly embarassed the US-- and since leaking classified info's a crime, he's now on the run. Of the 21 countries that he applied for amnesty to, many are in South America, and many have not yet responded to his application. To the US, this makes said countries potential betraying boogar-faces, so when the Bolivian president came back from a powwow in Russia where this guy was apparently hiding, he was denied his request to stop and refuel in three Western European countries. Basically, he was treated like a public enemy.  I'm at least happy that my friends in the US say this is actually getting news coverage (surprise!), and that I get to witness it from this unique perspective. What a Summer to be in South America! 

Today is my first Independence Day outside the US. I'm not super heartbroken, it was just a weird revelation. Probably won't be seeing any fireworks. However, I WILL be mixing paint colors at church for the mural, which is just as colorful and exciting. :)

~Ely

Day 26

Day 26

Julio and I took a quick walk up the hill above the church-- he's pudgy and I have a poor excuse for a cardiovascular system, so we didn't talk much-- to order the andamios (scaffolding) from a little place up the hill. When they 'delivered' them (ie, quickly dropped the pieces in the church yard) I was doubtful that the strips of metal and wood were going to keep me in the air. However, Santi arrived at that moment, and he quickly showed that he had done this before. A solid, generally unwiggly metal frame reached from floor to two-story ceiling in less than 10 minutes. As a small descending staircase limited our ability to move the scaffold to give access to the whole wall, we laid some boards between the second-story balcony and the scaffolding, as well as over the staircase's flat rails. Though everything was strong and stable, I quickly realized that my talk of not being scared of heights 'more than normal' wasn't going to help me here. However, I managed to get a reasonable amount of work done, and am excited to continue tomorrow. Except that the projector fell off of the ladder where it had to be propped and sometimes has to be restarted and sweet-talked in order to get it working. I'll need to buy a new one, which is an unexpected use of trip money, but over all I'm doing halfway decently with that, and I'd rather not turn myself into a stress ball like last time. I left briefly to tutor Matteo, only to find that he was studying for his Spanish subject tests with his grandma, so it was back to the church til dinner time, after which Andrea's mom and dad met us at Magaly's house and we went out joy riding-- first to drop off the grandparents who were also in the car, then to drive around Centro Historico. Though there was an argument between Andrea and her dad about his having bailed two nights before, they seemed to have resolved things (or thought enough happy thoughts, at least) as the night progressed, so when we stopped by a restaurant to eat, we all seemed to be having a good time. By the time we got back home, it was almost midnight, so I didn't waste any time getting myself to bed.  

Day 25

7/2/13

Disclaimer: this is a reflection on my frustrations and struggles with this trip. It's all real and really needs prayer, but can't be read apart from the awesomeness, such as that experienced on day 16. Good reminder to me, too. :)

It's days like yesterday that make me feel frustrated with the downsides of this trip structure. Julio never arrived at the church-- I'm sure it was for good reason, I don't blame him, but the way everything's set up meant that I was waiting for his call all day until it was time to tutor, rather than, say, going to the orphanage to be with the kids. The day wasn't entirely lost-- I did some writing, reading, and some drawing for the mural-- but that's not exactly, you know, what I'm here for. I'm trying to figure out if this is a culturally-ground obsession with efficiency or a valid claim that I'm (unintentionally) not doing as I'm called to do. I guess that's what I get for 'doing my own lil thang'-- staying with friends and carving out my own path rather than living and working with a ministry that's always and intentionally active. But I did that before, and it has its downsides, too. I guess this is just what we get for being humans.

 I also feel like I am asking entirely the wrong questions sometimes. Like, I get frustrated with the mundane middleclassness of my current existence-- the hair dye, the dating drama, the shopping trips with a dad who's desperately trying to make up for leaving by buying the kids' love. It's not that the middle class isn't in need of ministry, of sibling love, but I don't know if that's my purpose, and if it is, if it's best done by taking up a middle-class, comfortable existence for myself. I make myself dizzy thinking this way, and actually, going to the beautiful, relatively poor church in Quevedo in two weeks has become a bit of an escape. I hate that. I don't want to escape. I want to live God's purpose for this moment. The question 'How can I be a blessing to this family?' is always in the back of my mind, and that seems like a good question, especially considering the divine hints that that is a real, practical purpose of what God has me here for, but I frankly don't know how. Both the language barrier and my social anxieties put boundaries on how much I can participate in the culturally-essential activity of whole-family-talk-time, and while I push against those boundaries and try to expand them, they'll always be there, to some degree. Don't get me wrong. The family has grace for me. But it's just not the same. Maybe it's not supposed to me. God has been showing me that the fact that I'm drawn to the pace and social comfort of one-on-one conversations can in fact be an asset. Another issue is cleaning. I'm careful to clean up after myself and be helpful, but I think having a guest clean actually makes them uncomfortable, as if they're letting me take a subservient/lower-class role, as if I'm not taking a role as a family member in the house (remember, it's common for a cleaning lady to come in a few times a week to do things like that). I think back to how awkward Peter felt about letting Jesus wash his feet, and how Jesus did it anyway. But he was also so firmly established as king that the act of humility was one of strength, rather than wavering. Maybe if I was a better family member, I'd be a better 'servant'. But I'm no good at being a family member. I never have been. 

I also suffer from the mental framework that says things are either a success or a failure. And even if I personally grow, I might still fail. I might fail people. It's not an irrational fear, it happens all the time. And the reality is, I don't trust God to make beauty from my failures. Not in real time, anyway. That's why I need, need, need times of prayer and reflection. To remember. I'm going to start giving that to myself in the mornings. The wonderful out-of-the-blue encouragements from friends in the states have also been such a blessing. Thanks guys. :)